i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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