my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
