i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
