I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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