I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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