I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
