K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
