Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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