I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
