he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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