I cockslap morals
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
