dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
