Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
