i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
