You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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