i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
