I wish I could teleport
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
