This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
