Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
