Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
