I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
