the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
