i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
