walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
