Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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