So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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