8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize