mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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