and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
