I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
