Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
