someone owes me an orgasm
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
