Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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