The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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