I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"