dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
