She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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