Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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