Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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