So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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