So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
