Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
