I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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