Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
