I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize