Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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