Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
then he tried to convert me to islam
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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