My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
