Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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