i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
