Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i need some magic done to my vagina
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
