I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
