A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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