im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
