i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
